Update

Hi. It’s been a little while. or it least it feels like it has. Life has already changed a lot. I might write these from time just to update people on my life. I love that I can share links to my blogs on Twitter and people who care can read them and people who don’t can scroll right past it. That makes so much more sense to me then people tweeting life updates. I don’t know.

So yeah I’ve moved on. I started my blog as a way to cope with the remaining months of college. Fear, anxiety, a lack of purpose or vision of the future. All things I experienced this past Spring and Winter. Now I’m updating you on the fact that I’ve moved past much of this. I’m not saying life is perfect, because it’s not, but man that feeling of finishing college is amazing. I was done man. I didn’t like the structure. It’s crazy because I had some of the best times of my life during the last couple months of college. I miss those who I am close with from school every day. I have been in good contact with many of the people I really care about.

Now that Spring is gone and Summer is here I feel really good. Summer has always been my favorite season. The lack of care for responsibilities, the beach, getting to be as narcissistic as I want about my tan. Most importantly I’ve always loved Summer because it’s such a disconnect from the norm. Growing up you’re away from people you spend so much time at school and you find out who you really to spend time with (or keep in touch with if you’re home from college). Well now life is different. I’m working full time. I’m busy. My job is centered around putting out content on the Internet so I’ve been hesitant to blog in my free time. I hope that changes. Idk I have too many podcasts to listen to and shows to catch up on. I don’t really mind adult life so far. (It’s been all of like 8 days) but yeah let’s explain why.

Pasadena, CA. Los Angeles County. A little east of the city for those unfamiliar. California is generally way easier for me to adapt to than Kansas ever was but it’s still a fairly unfamiliar place. I’m still getting used to it but I moved into an apartment in a town where I don’t have a whole lot of friends but going to school in Kansas has sure helped with this process. I still have friends in San Diego. In time I’ll have more friends moving to LA. I heard several people older than me say that being an adult sucks when I was almost done with college. I don’t really agree. Yeah it’s busy. I’ve had one weekend so far and I packed a lot into it but it was awesome. Feels great to have a routine again. I missed that about high school all throughout college.

Why am I writing this? I just want people to know what’s going on and sometimes I’m at a loss for words so when I’m thinking about it I often go into stream of consciousness mode whether it’s spoken or written. I’ve felt a lot more at ease lately. It wasn’t all organic though. Some of it was. Living in California helps. I love it here. I can be to San Diego (forever the best place in the world) in less than two hours. Living so far from home for four years and having to plan every trip ahead of time is stressful. It ate away at me feeling so far away from what I loved.

A big part of my newfound feeling is dedication though. 2018 wasn’t an easy year for me. I had bouts with myself, my mental health, with others. A lot wasn’t going my way. At the turn of the year I decided to focus on myself. Not that the BS that people say they’re gonna do and then work out for like 6 days before reverting back to bad habits. Every day I set goals. I have achieved every single goal to date. In the past something I have severely lacked is confidence. For many people who know me it may not seem like that. I’m a people person. I talk into a mic for fun regularly. I have never had trouble talking to people. Last year I lost most of those things. There were several months where I woke up every day wondering if who I am was enough. It didn’t feel good.

I was afraid to leave my house and was distancing myself from people and things that really matter to me. I was so afraid of how others in my life would respond if I acted a certain way. Saying that now seems so ridiculous in hindsight. Now something I do every day is remind myself to stay strong, stay positive and believe in myself. I have no reason not to. Every night and every morning I reflect on reality. I believe that I am pretty self aware. I’m not super full of myself and I also believe I can do anything I set my mind to. It’s a good balance to have.

Sometimes it just takes a major change to realize what you mean to people. I didn’t think last year that people really cared what I had to say. That was so not true. I started once again spending countless hours with those who matter to me like when I was younger. I rarely said no to hanging out. Days started going by faster. Locking down a job surely helped my psyche for the future but hey I don’t know how long I’ll be here and that’s okay. Plans started becoming easier to make because you get closer to people. I’m going out, I’m working out, I’m hanging out with friends just to talk. I’m watching sports. I’m listening to the music I want to listen to. All these things sound so simple but I wasn’t doing them regularly enough.

It’s hard to admit this because not a ton of people know this about me but I had some really hard bouts with OCD and especially body dysmorphia. Most people know I’m kind of a freak when it comes to health. I don’t eat dessert. I don’t drink soda. Ever. I didn’t eat red meat for like six months because I was worried about my heart health when I reached my 70s and 80s. Last summer I got sick and I was already eating a pretty clean, low calorie diet and working out a lot. (a lot of cardio, I still love this) I couldn’t eat solid meals for almost a week and I reached my lowest weight ever (you get what I mean). I got down to about 128-129 lbs. No knock on anyone who is skinny. I hated how I looked. Problem was two years prior I weighed my most ever (about 163 and I’m about 5’7″ for those unaware) and dedicated my life to being healthy and getting skinny. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I needed to gain weight. I couldn’t stand how I looked in photos and in the mirror. I would buy the smallest clothes you can buy for an adult male and they’d still be too small for me.

I knew something had to change so I saw the doctor and they suggested some changes to my diet. The main thing was more protein. Re-integrate red meat. I did that. The start was the hardest though because trust me I knew when I had gained a pound or two and this didn’t feel ok to me. All throughout this process I’ve had a pretty big appetite and I have never starved myself. So sometimes I would eat a lot of carbs. It was hard to handle at first but after a short stint on medication for my OCD I put on about 10 pounds of muscle. More protein and more weights. None of this is really an issue anymore. It was a giant hurdle to get over though. it consumed me every day. I weigh about 138-140 normally now. I’m still the thin guy I always wanted to be but I don’t think I’m too thin. Let me reiterate, there is absolutely nothing wrong with weighing less than 130 but it wasn’t right for me. The best part is I can no longer look in the mirror shirtless after eating and figure out exactly what I weigh. The body dysmorphia has actually gone away some. It’s weird, it’s truly a delusional feeling. I don’t beat myself up for eating certain foods or missing a few days of working out like I used to. It’s all part of the process and I feel good. That’s what matters.

I also no longer had to completely cover myself in a hoodie and sweatpants every day because I didn’t want people to say how my body looked. (or my hair — I grew that out from Christmas to the end of the school year and I loved feeling good about that again) Little things like this made leaving the house and especially going out on weekends so much easier. I just started trusting myself. I opened my eyes and saw that others trusted me so I had no reason not to trust myself. I went on trips without experiencing vacation anxiety. I was vocal. I once again felt comfortable around my friends. I have an unbelievable support group so I’d like to give some thanks. Thanks to Travis, Noah, Stowe, Mark, Flo, Andrea, Z, Eric for always helping me feel normal and embrace who I am. Thanks to Conor for always being my right hand man. I know how much you look up to me and that means I lot. I look at you the same way. Sharing virtually the same interests with you these last two years has been the best. Thanks to Matt for always showing me that feeling a little abnormal is okay. Never met someone as kind and compassionate as you. Thanks for always been such a voice of reason for me. Thanks to Wyatt for all the random phone calls and thanks to Jesse for every outlandish comment. Spending time with you guys is a blast. Thanks to Fabian for helping me see that embracing who you are is the best way to act. Growing close to you has meant the world. Anyone I didn’t mention that I’m close to. Thank you too. Thanks to my loving family as well.

Life doesn’t seem like a blur anymore. I feel more clear. My confidence and self-awareness are getting better and better every day. I like my body. I don’t fear the future. I try to take things day by day. The only reputation I have to uphold is that with myself. I have feared sharing this all with the world for some time but I don’t have a lot of fear at this moment so I said why not? Not feeling timid or full of doubt every minute is extremely freeing. I look forward to what the future holds and every day is a blessing. I have been embracing that notion every day. If we haven’t talked in a while please feel free to reach out. I’m just a text or call away. I’ll always respond.

-Nick Beach