“I been in my bag, adding weight. Tryna throw a bag in a safe.” Anderson .Paak belts that pre chorus on his popular 2018 cut, “Tints.” The Kendrick Lamar featured track is still a frequent in my rotation from the gym to the car to the social gathering. It was the first single from his album released in 2018, Oxnard. Aside from that NBA commercial with .Paak’s song “Who R U?” when are you hearing any songs from Oxnard besides “Tints”?

I struggled to rank Oxnard in my 2018 albums list because I didn’t listen to it enough and while I generally liked some of the songs I felt no need to revisit it. My listens felt forced. I recently had a conversation with a friend about how we open the album only to listen to “Tints” and not know what to do after. Fast forward to April 2019. Anderson .Paak is releasing another album? That’s what I said. I took it as buzz from unreliable music publications and had heard no real hype about it. Then, the evening of the album release came and I looked at .Paak’s Twitter page. He was hyping up his new album Ventura and I said oh wow it actually is dropping tonight.

I was reluctant to listen at first because I was so disappointed with Oxnard after being so excited for it. Malibu has been one of my favorite albums of any genre since its release in January 2016. Songs like “Lite Weight” and “The Waters” will never get old to me. Malibu is truly a west coast masterpiece. The soul album that could be played any time of the year at the beach. Those were 30 some long months without new solo music from one of my favorite artists. I listened to Ventura once and didn’t think much of it, but I remember that’s also how I felt when I listened to Malibu. These albums grew on me. When I first listened to Oxnard I was confused and overwhelmed.

On Ventura .Paak gets back to the basics stays in the soul lane rather than trying to get too funky (literally and figuratively.) I now have it in my rotation every day just as I did with Malibu for much of 2016. “Jet Black” with Brandy and “Twilight” are two of my favorite songs right now and hold part of what’s an extremely strong finish to the album. “Reaching 2 Much” and “Winner’s Circle” are also must listens. This is one of the most chill albums out right now and it’s my favorite release thus far in 2019.

I’ve had this feeling before. Kid Cudi returning to form on Kids See Ghosts. Young Thug focusing his efforts into a shorter album with On The Rvn after a good, yet sloppy effort with Slime Language. There are some artists I fear will never get back to the best versions of themselves like J. Cole and Drake, whom I am a huge fan of some of their earlier music. I often mentioned Anderson .Paak in my favorite modern singers along with The Weeknd and Frank Ocean until Oxnard came out and I didn’t know what category to put him in. Ventura has completely reinvigorated me and I am so excited to see Anderson .Paak in May. The feeling of one of your favorite artists bouncing back is incredible. It’s one of the best feelings in the world.

I went on a 90s movies binge these last couple weeks. Why? Get outfit inspiration primarily, but also to re-watch several of my favorite films that I hadn’t seen in a long time to see if they still have the same effect on me. This was a fun thing to do and I might have to do several other binges so I can write more (maybe baseball movies, I’ve thought about doing that as a fun summer activity). Who knows? Nonetheless, I had thoughts about each of the seven movies I watched. I had seen most of them but a couple were new to me. My thoughts ranged from this outfit was awesome to that scene was hilarious all the way to we are never alone in life. I broke this down into categories based on the film.

The Rom Coms:

As Good as It Gets is actually more of a drama than many rom coms, but also has all of the funny tropes. Jack Nicholson plays an intensely OCD man in his 50s or 60s who has no friends but crosses paths with several people he becomes very close with. One of those is his waitress at the only restaurant he eats at played by Helen Hunt. He develops a strange affinity for her and yeah I won’t spoil the rest of it. Nicholson absolutely kills the print polo or short sleeve button-up tucked into khakis or slacks look. He wasn’t even trying and he was the peak of 90s New York street style. It’s a funny story full of courage and change. As Good as It Gets can tell us that no matter how weird your quirks are, there is always someone out there waiting for you to show your true self and come out of your shell.

Pretty Woman is the old story about the hooker with the heart of gold. The hooker, played by Julia Roberts is picked up by rich tycoon, Richard Gere on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah they develop a real relationship after not planning on it initially. Let me just say Julia Roberts is the baddest woman of the 90s. No debate. It isn’t close. Where’s the love for Gere? He is looking like one whole snack in this movie. The expensive suits, the perfect shave and hair-do. Obviously upstart 90s actors like Brad Pitt and George Clooney became the most handsome men on the planet. I know he’s older now and I wasn’t there to hear what the women loved in the 90s, but Gere definitely needs to be in this category. Pretty Woman is awesome as a comedy and drama, and it tells us that we need to embrace debate on who were the best looking people of the 90s.

The Post-Grad/Growing Up Films:

Reality Bites stars Ethan Hawke, Winona Ryder and Ben Stiller in a film all about the feeling of wonder and insecurity following graduation. Ryder is the valedictorian of her school looking for more sophisticated employment but realizes it won’t be so easy. She meets Ben Stiller’s character who is a little bit older, established professional. She goes on several dates with him and they have a casual relationship all while he is traveling and Ryder is at home in Houston with her pseudo roommate, played by Ethan Hawke. Hawke is the graduate who doesn’t want to get a conventional job. He is scraping by however he needs to and making fun of Stiller however he can to get Ryder’s attention. He loves her but they’re such good friends and (on the surface) in such different stages of their lives she isn’t ready for anything. Hawke is just one of several actors from the 90s that has inspired me to grow my hair and man I wish I could get mine to look like that. He is also team white tee, typically with some sort of over shirt and a baggy pair of pants the 90s knew so well. You love to see that. What Reality Bites can tell us is that no matter how hard it seems following graduation, you don’t have to fully grow up right away. Be young and enjoy your time with your friends. Sometimes there are bigger things to life than how much money you make in your twenties.

Swingers has quite possibly vaulted into the slot of my favorite comedy ever. It’s right there with Clerks and The Big Lebowski (which unfortunately are two 90s movies I won’t talk about today). So Jon Favreau plays Mike who has recently moved from New York to LA. He misses his ex girlfriend from the East Coast so much and he constantly annoys his friends by talking about her. Enter Trent played by Vince Vaughn and Mike’s other friends played by Patrick Van Horn and Ron Livingston. Like Mike (no movie pun intended), they’re also struggling actors/comedians in their early to mid twenties trying to find work in the saturated market of Hollywood. They play video games and talk a whole load of trash to each other. They go to parties in Hollywood Hills and the hottest bars in LA. Their main focus of course, the beautiful babies. Aside from Mike, the group is confident talking to women and always trying to score another phone number. Of course Mike takes issue to this because he isn’t over his ex. The rest is history. Similar to Reality Bites (with more iconic jokes and one-liners), Swingers tells us that your twenties can be the best time of your life, if you choose to make it that way. It also reminds us that we can be whoever want to be. Go out and have fun, because your past doesn’t define who you are.

The Artful Masterpiece:

Pulp Fiction, that’s the masterpiece I’m referring to. So the final film I reference in this blog was what I thought about putting in its own category as “the crown jewel” of the 90s. However, another film fit with it into a more important category, so I get to ramble about Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino’s second film is a drama, a comedy, a thriller. It has it all, the flawless writing, the stellar acting, the signature Tarantino violence. This has long been one of my favorite movies but I hadn’t watched it in a couple years. From the moment when Amanda Plummer yells “I’ll execute every motherf******g one of you!” at the start, to Bruce Willis telling Marina de Medeiros “Zedd’s dead baby”, all the way to Samuel L. Jackson’s monologue back in the diner at the end, this movie truly holds up in every way. What can it tell us? Like Swingers, films shot and located in LA are always the best. Also, films as good as this made by some of the best filmmakers we have at their peak will never not be rewatchable.

The Ones About Being Someone Else:

Being John Malkovich was a first time viewing for me and I’ve long been a fan of Spike Jonze. This film is strange, similar to his others. On the surface it may seem too weird to gather much from, but this is not the case. Craig, played by John Cusack teams up with the self-centered Maxine played by Catherine Keener at their 7 ½ floor New York office to start their own business. They find a portal in the office that for 15 minutes, brings patrons into the mind of actor John Malkovich. All the while, Craig’s wife Lotte, played by Cameron Diaz becomes obsessed with the portal because she believes she is really a man. She enters Malkovich to become closer with Maxine, who she has an affection for. Craig (still married) also has an affection for Maxine, who doesn’t want a part of him. Nonetheless, Craig has discovered a loophole to stay in Malkovich’s head longer than others. Some more twists and turns go from here, but at its core, this is a film about wanting to be someone else. Many of us still feel that immensely in 2019. We can’t enter a portal to someone as cool as John Malkovich, but the movie tells us that in the long run being who you want to be (and not who other people want you to be) is the best approach to a happy life.

Fight Club is the final film I watched for this blog. I hadn’t seen it in several years and as expected, it held up. I know, never talk about Fight Club, but the film is about so much more than I remembered from my last viewing. Yeah there’s a big twist at the end so I won’t spoil for those who haven’t seen it. (How?) Those with mental health issues should always be able to relate to this because David Fincher shows us what it’s like to hit rock bottom through the narrator. Said narrator played by Edward Norton, has insomnia and attends support groups for diseases he doesn’t have. He meets Marla at these groups played by Helena Bonham Carter which throws off his routine of crying and makes him unable to sleep again. Enter Tyler Durden played by Brad Pitt. Everything in the narrator’s life goes haywire when he meets Tyler, but for reasons unexpected when you first watch the movie. What we can learn from Fight Club is if you have mental health issues, be it anxiety, insomnia or more, take precautions before it gets too bad. Don’t get pushed to the edge. Embrace who you are. You’re worth so much more than your mind tricks you into believing.

It’s been a long, fun weekend. I’m tired. Several hours ago I was reading an excessive amount of Tame Impala lyrics in attempt to find an Instagram caption to honor the greatest band on the planet’s Coachella performance from last night. I came across one from their 2010 song Alter Ego. Kevin Parker says: “The only one who’s really judging you is yourself. Nobody else. Nobody else.”

I didn’t end up using it but clearly it inspired this blog. I’ve been thinking about this notion a lot lately. The idea of judgment. All of us judge to some extent no matter how much we want to admit it. The way I see it judgment is right when it’s used to monitor whether a person is making decisions that are smart for their well being. If you look at someone and aren’t 100 percent sure *in your head* their decision is going to hurt them at some point, there’s no need to judge.

As for one’s self, we will always be our own harshest critics. That doesn’t mean you have to use this to your detriment. Judge yourself. Assess what you’ve done to take care of yourself. If you aren’t doing the right things or you aren’t doing enough, make changes. In recent months I have made changes for myself to help manage my anxiety, fear and problems I had with myself. I’ve taken more time to enjoy life. I’ve done everything I can to enjoy the moment and not worry as much about the future. For me I chose to get closer with some friends I wasn’t as tight with, and strengthen already strong friendships by taking part in new activities.

You, those close friends I just mentioned, your family. Those are the only people that truly matter. Make sure you’re being your best self for those people. Outside noise is irrelevant. As Genius annotated the lyrics I mentioned earlier: “Though others may voice their judgments onto you, it really is a projection of their own ignorance, insecurity, or self-judgment. If you know their words are untrue and pay it no mind, it cannot affect you. However, if you dwell on their words and give them power, you are effectively judging yourself.”

Let me put it this way. If you are making decisions that are intended to help you, keep doing them. If you want to lose weight, don’t let the staring gym-goers deter you from getting that extra mile in on the elliptical if that’s what you set out to do. Dance with your friends when you go out on a Saturday and don’t let looks of judgement from someone you barely know hold you back. If you hear someone say your outfit was too weird or too bold, keep wearing it as long as you’re doing it with confidence. You are the only person who can hold you back from being your best self and feeling comfortable with who you are. Stay confident in your decisions and your process, because the more confident you are the judgment from yourself and others becomes less and less important.

Real tears are still coming down my face. Not when people say they’re gonna cry and doesn’t it actually happen. Tiger Woods is your 2019 Masters champion. You know the story by now. He was the most dominant golfer we’d ever seen. The drugs, the women, the injuries. I was one of many who thought there was no point in him even playing anymore. He was too competitive to fail like this and keep battling injuries. Everything has changed.

He finally got healthy and competed at every big tournament last summer. He finally won a tournament late in the year. People floated the idea of Tiger winning the Masters for the last 10 months. It actually happened. Kids like me grew up watching Tiger. We weren’t ready to say goodbye. Three years ago we said goodbye to Kobe. This week we said goodbye to Dirk. Steve Nash, Allen Iverson and Peyton Manning are long gone. Every one of these farewell tours of the athletes 90s babies grew up watching has been a tearjerker, but this isn’t yet farewell for Tiger, and the emotions are at an all time high.

After all of Tiger’s drama in the last decade I was out. I had no reason to keep rooting for Tiger and the injuries got so bad I didn’t think I’d ever need to or get to. Fast forward to April 2019. Everybody from age 16-75 who has ever watched a round of golf talked to someone about Tiger Woods when they went out last night. Nike mock neck shirts are going to sell through the roof. Us 90s babies are growing up, but we don’t have to kiss everything from our childhood goodbye. This is one of the most amazing moments I have ever seen in sports. I watch as Tiger is about to put on his first green jacket since 2005. As the Babe said in The Sandlot, heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

So I’m back already writing the Monday morning thoughts blog. Who am I kidding? There’s almost no way I put out a blog every Monday morning. I usually spend my Monday mornings either sleeping in or frantically driving to and from the gym where I get stared at because my hair looks a volcano after I wake up. The Avengers. That’s what I’m here to write about today.

Avengers: Endgame releases on April 26 and is one of the most anticipated movie releases in recent memory. In the past I’ve been known as the cuck that bashes Marvel movies because I don’t think they’re that great. Recently I’ve enjoyed some of the Marvel films like Black Panther and Thor: Ragnarok on Netflix. I rarely go the theater to see these because I don’t like seeing movies amongst big crowds and I don’t like the movies enough to pay for a ticket.

Well today is a new day. I am raging with excitement for Avengers: Endgame. I love nothing more than a big event that everyone wants to go to. That’s why I love holidays like the 4th of July and even New Year’s Eve. It forces people to get out of the house and socialize. Everyone wants to see this movie. Admittedly, I thought Infinity War was good but not great. I need a rewatch but I’ll definitely fire up Netflix for that in the next couple weeks.

Best believe I will be in this packed theater in the first few days of release to watch this three hour marathon of a movie constantly having to pee and crossing my legs like a third grader. I am a huge fan of movies that are about 90-100 minutes, but 181 minutes (and of course Marvel makes you stay for the credits) is just fine. It’s like I’m going to be seeing two movies that day. It’s like B level Star Wars (the recent ones). Some of the movies are really good but some aren’t. Everyone will be seeing this, so I’ve changed my attitude and I’m joining in on the fun.

It me, Nick. I’m blogging for the first time since last summer on a new blog. I’m gonna try to stick with this one for real. I’ve always wanted an outlet to say stuff that’s on my mind without sending it into the Twittersphere or other social media outlets. I’m still going to write about the stuff you always hear me talk about like fashion, sports, music and movies, but some posts like this one will serve as greater conversations about life, struggle, joy, mental health and so forth. Here we go.

I’m a college senior. I’m graduating in May. I have six weeks of school left. The monotony has struck and I’m tired of college. I’m not one of those people who wants to be in college forever. I remember growing stale of high school and even middle school toward the end like this. It’s not that I don’t want to have fun. I want to have fun and be around my friends forever, but I’m done with school. I used to fear saying that I didn’t like school because we pay a lot of money to go to college. Now I feel I have learned a lot and I just don’t want to be judged on my performance with a grade anymore. In the real world effort and competence are rewarded more often than not. It’s hard to be optimistic when the system is designed to have a percentage of people questioned on their smarts and performance.

I’ve spent a lot of time in this city where I go to school and I’ve experienced everything I can. There’s been times I’ve loved being here, and times I’ve hated being here. I’ve made some friends I’ll never drift away from and met some people I can’t wait to never see again.

I feel like I’ve been in a rut of late. In some ways I’m the happiest I’ve ever been as I have finally taken some time to take care of myself. I suggest to anyone with anxiety or other mental health issues to stop saying you’re going to put yourself first and actually do it. It’s pretty tight to see more young people actually doing this in 2019. Back to my rut, I want to get out of here. I’ve embraced my last few months of college to the best of my ability, but it’s time to start anew. With this mindset, every day until graduation can feel like a drag.

A wise man once told me that graduating college is an accomplishment in itself, so don’t worry so much about the future. Stop and smell the roses. That’s what being young is all about. Graduate college, hit the real world, go get paid, but have fun in the process. We can worry about growing up when marriage and family are at stake, and many of us like myself are nowhere close to that. It’s okay to be young and enjoy yourself. Eat a hot dog, forget to make your bed once in a while (I wish my OCD allowed me to do this). It can be hard to focus on school and your current life when you’re moving away forever really soon but remember what feels hard now is going to change forever so soon. Those of you graduating, push through, I promise we’re almost there.